I Quit.

Well, almost. I really, really feel like quitting right now. Work is really hard today. Actually this week. Actually this year. I feel like I'm on the edge of failing in the most complete and public fashion. The pressure on me is greater than it ever has been ever in the history of my career. I am ready to put my head in the sand.

I once read this article about how smart girls give up more easily than smart boys. I think that I'm at the point in my career where this basically defines me. I hate failure, and the prospect of it is making my skin crawl. Actually worse - it's making my eyes water (big girls don't cry).

I want to call in the troops. Call for backup. But there is none. I'm the last girl standing. I'm the front line and the calvary. I need a relief pitcher. Someone smarter and faster and more experienced than my (nearly) 40 year-old self. I keep looking around the room, and, instead of a line of volunteers, the eyes are all on me. This sucks.

I am so very, very lucky that things at home are not hard. I do not want to quit at home. I have a husband who fills me up each day with courage and faith and love. Thank God for that. I have kids who, while they need me to do just that for them, their neediness is actually fulfilling. My kids who are growing like weeds still need their mom. This is not a burden. The thought of them NOT needing me makes me sick to my stomach.

But at work, well, at work today, I want to quit. I am not going to, however. I just need a moment to pull myself up by my big girl panties and dry those watery eyes. I need to suck it up. There are worst things in the world, like hunger, death, lost love, and I am not dealing with any of those. To fail is to be human.

I won't quit today, even though I really want to. Fight or flight, right? It's unlike me, but the fight has been a bit low in this dog lately. I need to summon it back up so I can make it through this obstacle course.

One more coffee, and then I'll do another gut check. Put on my boxing gloves, and get back in the ring. I'm on the edge of failure, which also makes me on the edge of complete and total success.


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Roles and Responsibilities

This is reminiscent of my four years at GE when R&R were continuously modified and the hot topic of discussion around the water cooler. In this case, I've been experiencing some interesting changes in my own R&R within my family unit, and have rotating emotions of concern, guilt, and stress about how it may or may not impact my job performance at my paid employment. *For the record, I believe being a "mom" is also a job, however the monetary reimbursement is lower than teachers, which makes being a mom the most underpaid employment available.

In addition to my normal roles as wife, mom, step-mom and dog-mom, I have found that this year I have taken on some larger responsibilities that don't add to my paycheck.

Additional R&R for 2013/2014:

1. Soccer mom. Both of my kids began playing soccer for the first time last fall. This is their first time playing a team sport, and I am very pleased with how they are acclimating to it. Annie is really enjoying it. The jury is still out for Will, but it gives him a legit reason to wear his sports goggles. Last season, I was just a sideline observer/cheerleader. This spring season, I volunteered to be "team mom" for Annie's team. WHAT?? Luckily I can use Shutterfly Sharesite to make this easy squeezy to get other moms to sign up for snack duty. Picture day ran itself, and Annie's coach knows what she's doing, so it's okay if I don't. As I will do today for two games, I've gotten to be somewhat of an expert at packing up my folding chairs, water jugs for the kids, and camera so I can catch some of their awesome actions shots. See below for a couple.








2. Homeroom helper. Annie's class has the sweetest mom as the homeroom mom. I have enjoyed being her little helper this year. My official job is "co-classroom photographer". Admittedly I'm not that great at that, but I was a good backup for the room mom at this. I enjoy this little job - its like being a Christmas elf for the classroom. And Annie thinks its awesome that I spend a little time at school - bonus points for a working mom.

3. Girl Scout Troop Leader. WTF??? I mean, really people, can anyone truly believe that I somehow got roped into/signed up for this?? I'm still in shock to tell you the truth. I am mostly just helping with finances and running to the GS store for badges, etc, but this is something I never wanted to sign up for. The process of becoming a leader is excruciatingly painful, but I somehow made it through. Annie is elated - thrilled really - but this is not a long term gig for me. Hoping to pass off the "co-leader" title to someone else for next year, and I'll be happy to quietly do the books in the background. There's a huge back story to this, but its several bottles of wine worth, so you'll have to come over to hear the whole thing.

As you may have observed, most of these activities are centered around Annie. For Will's class and soccer team, there are other awesome moms who stepped into leadership roles so I was able to avoid them so far. I plan to avoid Boy Scouts like the plague for Will lest I be sucked into some role there due to my "scout leader experience." Eek!! Regardless, Will is most happy that I make appearances at his school activities like Field Day yesterday. So at least he doesn't feel slighted yet!

I'm off to make massive improvements to my front flower beds this morning - three freezes were not kind to our institutional plants, so some rework is required before I head to the soccer fields.

To all other soccer moms, scout leaders, homeroom helpers - you rock, and you must know you are appreciated!!

Stay classy, rocking moms.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad