Well, almost. I really, really feel like quitting right now. Work is really hard today. Actually this week. Actually this year. I feel like I'm on the edge of failing in the most complete and public fashion. The pressure on me is greater than it ever has been ever in the history of my career. I am ready to put my head in the sand.
I once read this article about how smart girls give up more easily than smart boys. I think that I'm at the point in my career where this basically defines me. I hate failure, and the prospect of it is making my skin crawl. Actually worse - it's making my eyes water (big girls don't cry).
I want to call in the troops. Call for backup. But there is none. I'm the last girl standing. I'm the front line and the calvary. I need a relief pitcher. Someone smarter and faster and more experienced than my (nearly) 40 year-old self. I keep looking around the room, and, instead of a line of volunteers, the eyes are all on me. This sucks.
I am so very, very lucky that things at home are not hard. I do not want to quit at home. I have a husband who fills me up each day with courage and faith and love. Thank God for that. I have kids who, while they need me to do just that for them, their neediness is actually fulfilling. My kids who are growing like weeds still need their mom. This is not a burden. The thought of them NOT needing me makes me sick to my stomach.
But at work, well, at work today, I want to quit. I am not going to, however. I just need a moment to pull myself up by my big girl panties and dry those watery eyes. I need to suck it up. There are worst things in the world, like hunger, death, lost love, and I am not dealing with any of those. To fail is to be human.
I won't quit today, even though I really want to. Fight or flight, right? It's unlike me, but the fight has been a bit low in this dog lately. I need to summon it back up so I can make it through this obstacle course.
One more coffee, and then I'll do another gut check. Put on my boxing gloves, and get back in the ring. I'm on the edge of failure, which also makes me on the edge of complete and total success.
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